Yugi's Secrets: Entry 2 Crismon Jaded
by Ravenous Silentside
Summary: SUB-ENTRY 2 UP Jounouchi was in trouble, but all you did was watch. And worst of all, you secretly enjoyed it.
1. realization

******Yugi's Secrets  
  
****[entry 2 | _Crimson Jaded_]**  
  
  
by Ravenous**  
**  
_¬ ¬ I think its about time I live up with my alias *collects all plot bunnies in one nut basket* I just hope ffnet does   
not fry my arse for this, Entry two makes up for what direly lacks at entry one. LEMON, and I cut down the   
sensitivity stuff. Sound so sudden eh O.o entry 2 is a dark disturbing version. I had to cut it into multi-parts coz I  
figured the plot is just too much for a one shot :|  
  
Please as of note, that 'yugi's secrets' ficcies are not DIRECTLY a continuation of the previous entry O.o Related   
maybe...But not entirely connected..._  
  
  
  
--- + ---  
  
1 January | 4 am

**GUILT**  
  
Fireworks lit up the night sky. It's finally New Years Eve!   
  
It was a very carnival atmosphere, I was with the whole gang, watching the dazzling display of lights and sounds, we   
are all having fun--forgetting for the moment about the duel, the tournament and other stuff. It's time to unwind and   
let go of any inhibitions. I had much fun with Jounouchi, Anzu and Honda, the duo joked twice that I might get   
stepped upon literally by the mob with my size if I attempt to try any of the daring rides. Anzu told them to knock it   
off and treated all of us to a small sushi stand situated within the festive area.  
  
Times like these are rare to come by. I know my Other self will object and materialize itself---with this probably   
being a tedious moment for him. To avoid some unnecessary attention that Yami will come out, I removed the   
cumbersome object clinging on my neck. For once I just want to savor the moment as any teenage boy should.  
  
With the events that unraveled, things will never be the same. I regretted the action I took earlier.  
  
It's hard to explain this clearly for I feared for my life, and for my safety. The only way I could get this terrible guilt   
out is writing all what I've seen, even how horrid or disturbing it might seem. With just the thought of it, I already   
wished I wasn't there and I could have just died right here right now for not being able to do anything.  
  
I really wanted to die, but there was so much reason to live. I have to relay this story. If this is only the way to keep   
me sane, to figure something out, to spill out the guilt...  
  
Spill out the guilt I wasn't able to do anything to save my best friend  
  
We still have our issues, but during the festivities we prefer to forget it. For the sake of everyone, we tried to patch   
things up and act normal, as if nothing have happened. It was all going well...until Jounouchi told me he is just going   
to 'take a leak' in one of those difficult_to_find public CR stalls, but after an hour he never really came back. In vain, I   
searched for him everywhere until I reached a certain neglected area, a dark alley.   
  
What I saw there last night, is something I cannot easily forget--it scarred my soul, questioned my conscience and   
most of all I cannot contain Yami's voice in my head. I mentally cried for him to stop, so I can proceed to finish this   
entry---but he kept repeating the words...  
  
"Jounouchi was in trouble, but all you did was watch. And worst of all, you secretly enjoyed it."  
  
I hate to admit he is right, He is always right. He lived within me, so he knows. I committed the gravest sin of all, a   
kind of sin I can't imagine doing, and worst of all because I KNOW he is my former lover and my best friend.   
  
My hands are already shaking badly, and just confessing all this makes me exhausted---I think I'll take a quick hot   
shower now. Hoping it would cleanse me of those thoughts that's night---only if I could  
  


++++++TO BE CONTINUED++++++  
  
  
Muraki muse: That's it?!  
Me: Shut up, there's more -.- We are entering a delicate sub entry of the story  
Muraki muse: Where? Where?  
Me: chotto matte kudasai, ne -.-?   
  
*points at stats*


	2. guilt

**Yugi's Secrets: [entry 2 | Crimson Jaded] : a sub entry part two  
  
by Ravenous**

_Note: Here you go, a sub-entry of chapter two. @@;; its kinda confusing and dark I know---I have been getting a lot of shit lately and its affecting my writing ;;_

---+---

2 January | 1 in the afternoon  
  
MORNING AFTER  
  
"Yugi, Yugi---are you alright? Thank goodness you are awake"  
  
  
Today I found myself somewhere else. I woke up seeing Anzu's worried face, and a room that I didn't recognize. She explained soon enough that I was being confined in the hospital for the time being.   
  
I was shocked, I remembered dragging my battered psyche and body to the shower after writing my previous entry. But other than that, everything was vague. Anzu told me in detail that she was worried when I left and followed me home. She became MORE worried that I didn't answer the door and that a particular window near my room is alarmingly seeping with moist and steam. Needless to say, she called for help and Honda followed suit, breaking through the house and into my room. She claimed, that they found me in such a sorry state--I was half-naked and barely conscious at the bathroom floor. The mirror in there was smashed.  
  
I reassured Anzu that I was just so exhausted that night that I fainted. "Its nothing, Anzu---its nothing to worry about. Really." I felt like the world's greatest liar to even force my usual bright smile. She shouldn't know what I dilemma I'm into right now. It's my own problem that I should solve it alone. I have to pretend nothing is wrong. But she didn't brought it, she gazed achingly to my arms.  
  
It was just then I noticed that my wrists were secured with gauzes. What happened? I asked. How did I get hurt, How did I get these cuts? Is it the smashed mirror, was it an accident?  
  
She shooked her head, she told me that the way the doctors had looked on it, they said it was no accident---it looked intentional. They found large shards of glass held tightly in my bleeding palms. Some were found horrifyingly wedged against my wrists, that they had to stitch me, And if Honda didn't help Anzu break the bathroom door in time, I could have bleed to death.  
  
If I really did tried to attempt suicide, how come I didn't remember doing it? I figured the answer myself. Anyone under severe emotional state undergoes a temporary blind rage that leads them to do the unthinkable. I recalled that I was so cocooned in my thoughts about last night's event before I went in the shower...  
  
Jou....  
  
I wasn't able to ask Anzu on whereabouts of Jounouchi. She told me that what is important now is I get myself some rest, not to worry and talk tomorrow---if I ever feel like talking that is. I nodded mutely, and sank back to the pillow with a heavy sigh. Before she left, she motioned that she will be leaving my journal beside the table near me. Just in case I feel lonely she brought it so I can write my entries like I usually do.  
  
I find it difficult to write. My arm and hands still hurt because of self-inflicted injuries, and the stitches were still raw. But as soon as I let my thoughts out to writing, I seem to have forget that. All that was left in me is pain. My overwhelming conscience have taken me over, and almost have cost my life. Because of it, I'm temporary disqualified in the tournament. I don't know what Yami would do in my situation---he couldn't be present without the thing around my neck. I never realized how cumbersome and heavy it is until I entered this point of depression. When he started 'talking' in my head last night, I recalled hurling the important object to the wall---I can't believe how this sense of guilt is consuming me---  
  
Hold it, I can hear the voices of my friends outside beyond the door. I'll try to stand and tiptoe if I can and listen to their conversation. I have a bad feeling about this. I must know  
  
  
---+---  
  
January 2 | 4 pm  
  
  
How many times did I fainted today? Honestly, I don't know either.  
  
I woke up again in the hospital. But not in the same room--- a nurse that found me awake at last told me that I was moved to a private area 'under critical observation where I shall take proper therapy' Proper therapy from what? I must have blacked out again---for all I remember was going to the door and listening to the conversation.  
  
"You poor kid, you really didn't remember anything did you?" the nurse sighed.  
  
I later learned that according to the witnesses and my friends, I threw an angry uncontrollable rage upon learning that they haven't figured the whereabouts of Jounouchi. The other bad news is that we might be disqualified at the tournament at this rate. The people thought THAT might be the reason that ticked me off---after all, winning the tournament is very important to me. But it isn't---its Jounouchi.  
  
God, how can I leave him at the hand of that merciless bastard? When I slowly remembered what happened to the corridor, I started to cry. I knew what happened that night after the carnival festivities and yet I didn't say anything. I saw some heartless monster abusing Jou and yet all I did was watch----then ran away. But somewhere between watching and running away, I did the utmost embarrassment of my whole life---I get secretly turned on by the lascivious act forced upon him. The person I grew fond being with, the one I respected, the one I cared--the one I loved so dearly with all my heart---it all went down the drain. I feared I have come to realized my dark side and sick fantasy after our 'break up'---and yes, we I said 'dark side' this time I'm not referring to Yami here. I hold it this far, and I cannot take it anymore. That could have been the reason why I lost it---the nurse claimed it took four medical attendants to pin me down and inject me with tranquilization shots to calm my nerves. My violent reaction have greatly disturbed everyone, and I was suggested to take psychiatric evaluation soon after I'm fully recuperated.  
  
No damn way I'm going to some therapy! I shouted. This is all a misunderstanding, I explained in half-truth that I got severely upset on Jounouchi's disappearance. But apparently a suicide attempt and a violent rage is MORE than being upset. I know its better if I told them the truth than keep it to myself---but it's the guilt that is holding me back. What will they do if they know?  
  
It's no big deal Yugi, almost everyone knows you two HAVE been lovers. It was you yourself that said that you just love him simply because you were in love, no more no less. But what if its beyond love? I don't know that my break-up with him have affected me greatly. The love then rejected turned to yearning, that yearning to obsession, that obsession to lust. Even how much I suppress it, I know deep within myself that I craved more than his touch. 

All this is very confusing. I'm slowly dying inside, and yet its my conscience that's holding me back to tell everything. I must do something---I have to, before its too late for me---and Jounouchi

I must find him

---

to be continued in entry 3  



End file.
